Coyote Grill

Coyote Grill website

31621 Coast Hwy, Laguna Beach, CA 92651 (949) 499-4033

I regret to even think about the experience I just had. Let alone relive it through the written word. But I have a right and a duty as a citizen of this planet to inform, as well as warn, my fellow Earthly inhabitants of establishments who feel so entitled as to have Fish Tacos on their menu yet know little to nothing of the dish itself. Not only will you, dear reader, be warned here, but I plan to go into great detail with painting you a literary picture of my journey through the very depths of Fish Taco Hell, and my courageous tale of survival....Let's begin:

So I plan on heading across the street to the newly reopened "Papa's Tacos" to try out the Fish Taco that I've heard spoken so highly of. I decided to take my 4 year old son, Federico, with me because he was good and his little sister, Sofia, got herself a walk with daddy just a bit earlier. After a quick 5-10 minute walk, we arrive at our destination only to be told by the man behind the counter that they just closed for the day. They close at 6:00pm. It was 6:08pm. The nice man informed us that the grills were off and that they'd be open tomorrow and later in t
he evenings after a month or so, as they were just recently opened.

What's that over those distant mountains? A couple dark clouds? Hmmm. Better stay on my toes.

I noticed across the street a little hip looking restaurant kind of place called "Coyote Grill". Name sounded safe...hell, they even had a moderately tattooed fella in a sleeveless shirt out front standing behind a podium underneath a Corona umbrella that I could only guess was a valet.

So I take my son in to discover a crowded bar scene. Hmmm, the restaurant must be beyond this spectacle. Upon further migration toward the back I encountered a hostess ready to seat me. I humbly declined and ask for a take-out menu. I then inquired about the ordering process and was instructed to give my order to the bartender. "Why would I continue with my venture at this point?", you ask? Let's label it: Morbid Curiosity on a bed of Blind Determination then generously topped with a healthy dose of good 'ol fashioned Primal Hunger. Truly a recipe for disaster if there ever was one, and with that being the case; it was 'Bring Your Son To Work' day and I was the head chef.

After looking at the menu, I found 2 different Fish Tacos each displaying different ingredients AND different prices. Of course I ask the bartender about what the difference might be between the 2, and the response was that there was none. I suggested that it seemed the p
rice was different. It turns out one of them was a lunch menu item...it still doesn't explain the different ingredients...How about you, O reader, help me out with this one:

Exhibit A: Page #5 of the menu, top of the page, under the heading "Especiales De La Casa" we find the first entry to be "Fish Tacos" described as: Bits of fresh fish and veggies on soft corn tortillas served with rice, black beans and our secret sauce. $11.50 (Secret sauce?! what was I thinking? Was I even reading the menu?)

Exhibit B: Page #7 of the menu (There's 8 pages, by the way. 8 pages!!) top of the page, under the heading "Comidas" we find the entry titled "Fish Tacos" described as: Grilled fish on soft tortillas, with shredded cabbage, cilantro, tomatoes, cheese and secret sauce. Served with rice and beans. $12.50

I'm guessing from the $35.00 check that I must have ordered the latter of the two.

Wow, those dark clouds seem to be getting closer...and are those bats flying around inside them?

So after about a 15-20 minute wait, the hostess comes out with an impossibly tight and snug plastic bag with what I had to assume was everything I ordered...2 orders of fish tacos and a small quesadilla. All I could think about was taking the bag and getting the hell out o
f there. I then put my son upon my shoulders, grabbed the bag, and did just that...hightailed it right back to the condo.

Dark clouds....moving fast...

We made it back home unscathed and I plopped the bag onto the table then proceeded to unwrap the contents. Honestly 3 of the most odd containers I've seen in a while...once
again made of some plastic styrofoam hybrid material that was no doubt unhealthy for any environment. You know,...even McD***ld's uses cardboard containers nowadays. Really, people.

Immediately upon opening the containers with the fish tacos, we were greeted with a strong, and quite foul fishy stench. Well this isn't promising. Let's take a look at what we got here:
2 apparent tacos, chunks of fish strewn around some rice and black beans, a container of something and a wedge of lemon. What am I looking at here? What is going on? What have I done?

Well, guess what. I had to try it, regardless of the smell...walk with me...

Imagine about 15 white fish chunks (you can't tell exactly what kind of fish it is) seemingly sauteed with some sort of lemon pepper salad dressing then smothered in the Jack/Cheddar mix that you'd find in the cheese section of your nearest WalMart, on top of th
at picture some shredded red cabbage, diced tomatoes and a ton of cilantro as if it were lettuce. Now imagine all that on 2 corn tortillas fresh out of the bag...ok? got that all? Now imagine biting into it... Well I finished one. Questioning myself throughout the whole ordeal. Here were some of the questions: Why are some chunks slimy and some chunks super dry? Is this really all marinated or sauteed in lemon pepper dressing? What is the deal with all this cilantro? It's like a cilantro salad. Why am I leaving these huge pieces of fallen fish for dead instead of eagerly gobbling them up? Why am I still eating this?

Well I chose not to put myself through that torture any longer and decided to try the sides. This isn't a blog on side dishes so I'll be quick: Black beans obviously cooked with ham or bacon. I'm a vegetarian so I won't be having another bite of that. Rice with a strong chemical aftertaste. I'll pass. Salsa in the cup? Sure, I'll try that too. I was hungry still and I did spend a pretty penny. Whoa! That stuff was hot. Thanks for the heads up people, let alone a choice of heat factors for that. I guess you just assume everyone likes it insanely spicy. And the lemon...really? A lemon?

I was still hungry so I decided then to dissect my wife's remaining taco for anything edible. After close inspection I found pieces of sauteed onion that was probably cooked with the fish and some residue of what seemed to be some sort of mayonnaise based sauce. The secret sauce??!! Tip: Stay away from menu items labeled "SECRET". I then had a couple bites of the outer corn tortilla, but by this time my mind was a reeling mess and I was pretty much done with the whole ordeal.

I feel like I should throw up, lest I fall victim to food poisoning from questionable fish. I ultimately had to call the place to find out what kind of fish they used in their fish tacos. They explained they used Mahi. They didn't care to comment on how long they've been sitting on it though.

I'll end this on a LESSONS LEARNED type note.

Don't order Fish Tacos from a place that doesn't specialize in such.
Don't trust 8 page menus.
Always inquire about ingredients first.
Always check the contents of take out containers.
TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS.

I don't recommend. I will not return. I am scarred.

I probably need to go back to Baja Fish Tacos to recover from this trauma.

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